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I just got back from a run. It’s shocking to state this fact. It seems it could have been ten years since my last. However It came to my attention that my tests indicate elevated cholesterol, and the recommendation was to do sweaty exercise on a consistent basis.

It’s the initial instance in my life that my motivation to be active has been my bodily well-being. During earlier years, I ran because I desired to be thinner. At times I ran to manage nervousness – It was an avoidance tactic from the anxiety, without confronting it. Sometimes, I ran because I aimed to improve in running. It signified the definition to me at that time to develop a better life.

Running for a different reason currently sparked reflection about the methods I’ve interacted with my physical self throughout my life and the way it’s evolving as I move from youth to midlife. I don’t think I’ve respected my own body, not truly. I’ve prized it just for its roles and the aims it served me: trying to attract others; escaping emotions; achieving a quicker 5km. Previously, I’ve not understood that my body is me, it embodies my life, instead of a tool for outcomes.

Much has been explored over the centuries about the separation involving physical and mental aspects – a topic it’s reassuring to know, I won’t summarize now. What resonated most compelling is the Freudian perspective that mind and body are naturally unified right from the start, because bodily growth requires psychological development and the reverse is true. The newborn’s physical sensations – like the bodily feeling of hunger – motivate the brain to cultivate the skill to identify hunger as an emotion that is alleviated by eating; and the mental reassurance and contentment regularly delivered by meal after meal feeds the infant’s psyche in the same way the milk nourishes them corporally. So too mental events – like the wish to rise and grab an object, and the resolve to attempt repeatedly – are the cause and means the body develops power. Since infancy, our body and mind are intertwined in shared growth as integrated as DNA strands.

However It’s become clear, in treatment with my therapist, that mental and physical aspects may exist in an alternate dynamic – one less integrated and more exploitative. My psyche can use my physical self to store and manifest things that my mind considers unacceptable or unbearable. During therapy we realized that there are specific feelings that I am afraid I can’t handle; instead of experiencing them psychologically, I subconsciously shift them into bodily form, where they get stuck as physical symptoms.

I previously experienced this as indigestion – unrelated to my diet, but represented a type of bodily backlash of the more acidic feelings I couldn’t digest in my mind. It wasn’t a conscious choice, but when it was brought into my consciousness through therapy, and my dread and insecurity and anger and terror could be felt and expressed verbally rather than converted to physical sensation, it disappeared. I rarely suffer with digestive issues now.

The worst time I had this intense reflux, I was unable to sleep for several nights in a row. It seemed I was losing my sanity. I visited my doctor, who scheduled various scans and tests, but there was nothing medically abnormal. It was an alternate medic who informed me that the origin may be mental. My psychoanalyst concurred. I was surprised, but I also knew it was accurate.

Whenever someone experiences a bodily issue, it can be upsetting if told that there might be a psychological cause. It can seem like disrespect, hearing that their illness isn’t real. And of course that does happen – some face their symptoms ignored or misdiagnosed. But in some cases it could be that the bodily signs exist – no question – and the origin is mental, the unconscious employing the physique to convey certain suffering or anger or whichever sentiment the conscious self cannot tolerate. Occasionally, we might assume our feelings matters solely if manifested through the body. We persistently neglect our mental states on a personal level, as a society and culturally; for what reason do we accept the shocking killing-off of mental health treatments on the NHS?

My experiences have shown me that a superior lifestyle is unattainable when we are stuck unconsciously in ways of relating, within ourselves and with others, that are rooted in disregard, exploitation and dealings. These interactions are often easier to recognize “in the world” in broader culture. It may be less comfortable to think about how they got out there, and to see these forms personally and in intimate connections, in the economy of our mental lives.

However persistence pays off. After donning my jogging shoes again after such a long decade, going outside not for a better body, or to get rid of a sensation, or to beat a 5km time, {it